Tell Me I'm Pretty
by KitsuneVampire
Summary: Okay, this is a parody I did of the forest scene in the Crucible. Believe it or not, this was an english project, and my teacher was laughing so hard she cried. Very funny.


"**Tell Me I'm Pretty"**

**a production by**

**TOTAL INSANITY STUDIOS**

**THE CAST:**

'**Log': The Devil / Narrator**

'**Chelsy': Abigail**

'**Jorge': Nekkid Girl**

'**Bucko': Tituba (goes by 'Titty')**

_It is broad daylight. TITTY is kneeling in front of a cauldron._

TITTY: This bites… Stupid producers can't even afford a proper night…

_Shut up._

TITTY: Up yours.

_As I was saying, he makes an odd hand symbol over the cauldron, before lighting the candles around it._

TITTY: But there's only one candle…

_Quiet, you. Enter ABIGAIL._

ABIGAIL: Okay, you DO realize you're not supposed to read that stuff out loud, right?

… _Oh. I knew that._

ABIGAIL: Yeah, and a naked girl is going to come out and attack me in three seconds.

_Three seconds pass. NEKKID GIRL (aka Ruth Putnam) jumps out and glomps ABIGAIL. She is wearing a pink cardboard censorship bar over her… ahem Worry not, she shall be wearing clothes, for I am no pervert. At least not in public._

NG: lol, u iz teh PWNZORS!!!

ABIGAIL: struggling to breathe get… off… me… and… speak… english…

NG: lmao, engliz iz 4 teh suk. _She gets up anyway._

TITTY: suddenly with an islander accent You best be quiet, now! I'm tryin to summon da spirits!

ABIGAIL: Titty, we all know you're from LA. Cut out the Jamaican junk.

_TITTY scowls at her._

NG: fufufu, all yous r suxorz!!!1

ABIGAIL: Speak in some form of recognizable language, or I shall shank thee. THRICE.

NG: Awh… I wanted to be teh leet…

TITTY: Okay people, be quiet because I'm gonna call the devil now!

_He begins waving her arms around frantically._

TITTY: Hockety pockety wockety whack! Zaxity Maxity Paxity zack! Come to me, spirits I call! And bring enough booze for all! KAPOOF! _On 'kapoof' he thrusts his hands forward in a strange cross between 'hook 'em horns' and 'spirit fingers'. Nothing happens._

TITTY: I said KAPOOF!!!!

_Again, nothing happens. ABIGAIL coughs loudly._

THE DEVIL: in a thick british accent from offstage Sorry, sorry, I wass jus finishin up some paperwork, ye see… From the top, now…

ABIGAIL: death glare Out here. NOW.

DEVIL: Fine, fine, I'm coming…

_Enter THE DEVIL. He is wearing a red shirt, a long purple skirt , and a pink sweater is tied around his neck. He has his hands on his hips. _

_Everyone stares at him blankly._

DEVIL: Well, ye called, now wot is it you want?

NG: raises hand 

DEVIL: Wot?

NG: Why are you wearing a skirt?

DEVIL: I've misplaced me pants. And besides, it's quite comfortable, I get a nice healthy breeze—

TITTY: cutting him off with a horrified look OKAY, hello, mister Lucifer, sir.

DEVIL: Please, dispense with the formalities. Call me Lucy.

_They all stare blankly._

DEVIL: Well, everyone ELSE calls me Lucy.

ABIGAIL: Okay… Lucy… she twitches slightly 

NG: aside I just refuse to call him 'Lucy'…

DEVIL: I will shank you. THRICE.

_The others back away._

ABIGAIL: Hey, I'm the only one allowed to shank everybody around here.

DEVIL: Yeah, and I hear you also SHAG everybody around here too. OOOOHHHH! Burn!

ALL: OOOOOOOHHHHHH!

TITTY: aside: Now, why are we doing this?

ABIGAIL: It's not an aside if you can hear it, you know.

TITTY: Hey, I called Lucy, remember?

NG: falsely sweet Which is precisely why we should kill you.

_TITTY falls silent._

DEVIL: So, why you brung me out here? I was in the middle of dinner, and—would you look at that, I've still got some marinara on my skirt. Here, let me just—

_He moves to remove it._

ALL: NO!!!!

_The other three jump on him._

NG: No stripping allowed!

_They others all stare at her blankly._

NG: Well, other than me of course. I'm just special. And nekkid.

ABIGAIL: Geez, between the streaker and the crossdresser, I'm really beginning to wonder if this was worth it… So, we're here about a book?

DEVIL: Book?

TITTY: The black book. We come to sign it.

DEVIL: What black book? I know nothing of a black book.

ABIGAIL: Surely you're joking.

NG: I think he's telling the truth, Abby.

ABIGAIL: One, don't call me Abby. Only people that I've--- well, only certain people can call me that.

NG: Ooo, like Johnny Prostate—

ABIGAIL: Proctor, Ruth,_ Proctor_.

NG: Oh. Whoops.

TITTY: You're _sure_ you don't have a black book?

DEVIL: Oh, yes. There's no black book. Now, if you're looking for the _pink_ book, then maybe---

ABIGAIL: Oh, god…

DEVIL: clutching his ears in pain OW! DO YOU **_MIND?!_**

_Blank stares all around._

DEVIL: What?! Do you WANT to cause me pain?!

ALL: Yes.

NG: I mean, you're annoying…

ABIGAIL: You're an idiot to boot…

TITTY: That, and all that pink is REALLY unhealthy for my eyes.

DEVIL: Oh, please. A little pink never hurt anyone. I just like the color, is all! See, look! I even have pink—

_He moves to remove the skirt again._

ALL: NO! _they jump him again._

DEVIL: Okay, you know what? I'm going. Apparently, I'm not WANTED around here, so you three can just go play in the street or something.

NG: Pssh, as if anybody wants you here, anyways. This is Puritan America, remember? Everyone hates the Devil.

DEVIL: What.

TITTY: Yeah, everybody around here is either a pretentious, religious jerk-wad or an Indian.

DEVIL: Yer bloody kidding me.

ABIGAIL: smiling sweetly Nope!

DEVIL: So, let me get this straight: Not only did you interrupt a VERY nice dinner party, but you summoned me into a place that is both _freezing-bloody-cold,_ but hates me as well?! What in all the nine bloody circles of hell is UP with you people?!

NG: The sky is way, way up!

_The others stare blankly._

NG: And blue!

_Blank stares continue._

NG: I'm smart.

ABIGAIL: Oookay.

TITTY: Aren't we supposed to sign some kind of pact in blood?

ABIGAIL: Yeah, let's just get this OVER WITH so I never have to talk to you people again.

DEVIL: Ew, blood? Are you kidding? That is, like, SO unsanitary. Use this!

_He pulls out a gel pen, which is (yup, you guessed it) pink._

ABIGAIL: Oh, GAWD.

DEVIL: HELLO! I AM HERE, YOU KNOW! THAT BLOODY **HURTS**!

ABIGAIL: You know what? Screw this.

_She throws a bible at him._

ABIGAIL: Eat scripture, foo.

DEVIL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS US! IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS!!! WAAAAAAA!!!!!!

_He runs away screaming._

_Several very awkward moments of silence pass._

ABIGAIL: So, wanna go TP Parris's house?

TITTY: Sounds good to me.

NG: Yaaay! Paper clips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Awkward silence._

TITTY AND ABIGAIL: Ruth, **SHUT UP!**

END


End file.
